When your mother will talk about *anybody’s* problems –

- but yours.

There’s something the shrinks call ‘invalidating’, which is where something the other person says or does somehow

NEGATES your experience or your feelings.

It’s as if she has this – anti-matter ray gun that can turn everything I say into some kind of pain for *her*, so that it can never be about *me*.

So I’m always protecting *her* from *me*.

Which is FUCKING INSANE.

In fact, it’s quite the miracle that *I’m* as sane as I am.

Gaslighting; mind-fuck. I don’t know what to call it.

The term I came across recently is a ‘double bind’, which is where you’re caught between two mutually exclusive or opposite expectations, and either way,

YOU LOSE.

***
So let’s see if I can parse this.

(PS: the day was otherwise good, except for the 2 hours of *massive* stress leading up to meeting her for lunch – which I did to ‘take care’ of her, because in *her* eyes – fuck.

I’m not doing this any more.

If *she* wants something? *She* can ask for it. Just like I do. The idea that I not only have to *ask* for everything I need, and justify it, *and* feel fucking guilty as shit, like I’m some kind of fucking CRIMINAL for fucking ever needing ANYTHING from her –

FUCK that shit.

And on top of that I’m supposed to be some kind of psychic mind-reader who guesses her every whim and anticipates her needs and emotions and is always ready for whatever comes along –

Jesus – she SHOULD be paying me for the fucking service I provide.

But no – she takes it *completely* for granted, and always has.

***
Not getting very far with the parsing here. Maybe I need a sharper knife – oh, that’s not what that’s means? Hm. Do tell. Well, I’ll try not to get any blood on the computer screen.

Keep the anger sharp, and pointed, and pointed AWAY from *me*. Do NOT take it out on *me*, grasshopper. This anger is FOR and ABOUT, *HER*. You are angry with HER, not me.

And that is O-K.