Self-indulgence sundae, hold the guilt, please :-)
Ok, this may *sound* like the opposite of ‘two-way street’ and ‘meet me half way’ – but I’m pretty sure it’s not. But I have to write it down and look at it to tell.
So my thought is: Just because somebody takes care of *me*, doesn’t mean I’m obligated to take care of *them*. (go read that Kahlil Gibran thing on ‘Giving’ again – make a MILLION BILLION copies and let them blow in the wind to land on people’s doorsteps, or maybe, plaster themselves to peoples’ *faces*? and windshields and whatnot.)
I feel *guilty* when someone helps me, as if that automatically puts me in their *debt*.
But what about ‘pay it forward’? Or, ‘what goes around comes around’? Or, the idea that someone helps me, I help somebody else, it’s all a long chain of people helping people? And sometimes it’s reciprocal, but sometimes not.
Monday, January 3, 2011
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8 comments:
I do not think it is about giving at all. It is about sharing.
Ideally a mutual sharing seemingly when that sharing happens there is more received than given and more given than received.
I agree that there's something unique about sharing.
The situation I had in mind is really when one person has substantially more resources than another, and *they* see themselves as 'giving' to me. They don't see it as 'sharing', or at least, I don't think so. Though I could be wrong about that.
Have to think on it some more.
I have found that many people consider it a privilege to be with them which it is not and the ones that it is a privilege to be with do not think it is a privilege to be with them.
I tend to avoid people like this as much as possible. When I *can't* avoid them, I try really hard not to feed their egos.
*Sometimes* this works to make them go away and leave you alone, in fact *sometimes* it even seems to get them to try to 'win you over'. Which is even *more* exhausting. So then you give them a little something just so they'll stop pestering you. Sigh.
One of the many reasons I'm a hermit so much of the time.
I learned this with my business. I was not having any fun which means I need to change somethings before it was usually businesses. This time that would not work so I was looking at my client list. I had about 50 clients and 2 of them were taking most of my energy as they were idiots. They were not even a big part of my income. So I called them and fired them even thought I worked for them. Not only were they taking my time it was time I could be finding good clients.
It seems to be the same way with people in my private life. In a weird turn of events for me I seem to enjoy spending time with artists. Not all of them to be sure. It is just more likely that I will like to spend time with creative people. I never knew that. I did always gravitate to creative people that were like me doing things creatively that did not really need to be done that way.
Now this is the really weird thing. I have no cut my hair in a year and a half. It is pretty wild looking. It really seems to work for me. There was a test today. I had a meeting with an attorney and there is lots of money involved. The wild hair could have been an issue. It was not. It seems the wild hair clues people in I am not normal.
I agree that some people will keep after you and you almost have to do something to get rid of them. Then they keep coming back.
It's all about needs. You got needs, I got needs - all god's chillun, we all got needs.
To get said needs met? People will do damn near anything, including irritating the living *crap* out of everybody around them.
Attention; appreciation. Ego-stroking.
I mean, if we really all *do* come from 'dysfunctional' families, what's *really* amazing is that we ever have *any time left at all* for all the rest of it - work and whatnot.
If you feed a person's need, it's like feeding a hungry cat - of *course* it's going to keep coming back for more. Not rocket science, I dinna think :-)
As to the appearance thing,*I* think we sort of 'train' people to accept us as we are by - well, by simply refusing to be anybody but ourselves. (or, possibly, having no *ability* to be anything but ourselves? dunno which it is.)
Anyway, whether it's a gift or an - ornery-ness? I know that *my* experience in the work world, and elsewhere, has been that if I just consistently show up and 'be myself', people just - adjust.
Same with a first time meeting - if you're professional and know your job, people can look past dang near *any*thing - at least, people who have any clue about how to get what they want.
And people who *don't* have a clue? You really don't want to be working for them *any*way - they're !@#$#@ing idiots. So it's really a no-lose situation.
I had a boss, manager, once, who, at the umpteenth meeting we went to together, I was wearing the same old same old basic black jacket and pants, heavy-soled black butt-kicker shoes (wouldn't be seen *dead* in 'feminine' attire at work).
It was a slightly more 'important' meeting than usual, and I felt a little under-dressed - in the bright sunlight as we were driving there, I noticed that my well-loved black was getting a little threadbare, and the shoes were desperately in need of a polish.
"D," I said somewhat apologetically, "sorry I can't be a little shinier for you - too bad I don't have any fancier clothes for this sort of a meeting." I was mostly just sort of hoping for his blessing, as *he* was always *very* shiny - natty, polished, never a hair out of place.
He glanced at me in surprise and said, "Grasshopper, I'm *used* to you. I don't think I'd know what to *do* if you did anything different."
Ah, bless his soul - I think I fell a little in love with him at that moment, he couldn't have said anything more perfect - I completely relaxed and never gave it another thought after that. If my *manager* was cool with it? *I* was cool with it.
"If you meet someones needs they keep coming back." Why when you don't won't they jut go away? Smile
Actually I am finding that if I clearly again and again and again refuse to meet someone's needs they will go away. Family seems to just treat it as a phase I am going through in a real way they assume that if they badger me long enough that I will cave in.
One thing I have changed is that if I do agree to something and then realize it is not best for me I am willing to change my mind and tell them so. It is hard as the reason is they are assholes and that is not an accepted reason.
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I did kinda a test run with the hair thing. When someone said something I took some time to think about it. I am pretty good with the quick comeback. I am getting better at waiting.
"You need a hair cut." "What need would that fullfill? Or I just say "No"
I am finding some people do not understand it is disrespectful to ask why and keep after the person they have answered.
I often say. You get to pick your questions not my answers.
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