exchange

What I feel like is, I'm up to me scuppers and can barely see over the bowsprit to even SEE if I'm about to run aground or be capsized, and the spray is blinding me and I have no idea where I'm going. Each day when I open my eyes, I spend the first few hours being amazed that I'm STILL HERE AT ALL.

And people seem to think I'm joking. I feel like one of those cartoon characters who've run off the edge of the cliff but haven't yet quite realized they're standing on thin air.

It's as if nobody but me can see the cliff, and even if they can, it's as unreal to them as a cartoon. The jagged rocks below, the likely outcome, are somehow invisible to them.

That's why people commit suicide: Because they KNOW, in their soul, their heart, their gut, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they've become INVISIBLE. And that NO ONE will catch them when they fall.

***
An ex-lover committed suicide about six months ago.

I had some pangs of regret, missed him for a while, had flashbacks of fond (and some not-so-fond, but mostly remembered the fond ones) memories.

I talked with the woman he'd been most recently involved with, who felt horribly guilty that her 'dumping' him had contributed to him giving up.

But I'd known him for a long time, and found him to be one of the most insanely selfish people I'd ever known.

This didn't keep me from *liking* him; he was quite likable, in spite of his self-centeredness. He just wasn't somebody I wanted to spend any time with.

The few times I ran into him, he'd go on about how he "still felt the same way", and I was always completely unmoved - the 'same way' as *what*??? When we were together (about a year), he'd made no effort whatsoever to cement our relationship. It was an endless series of lies, excuses and evasions, and I eventually dumped him because I saw the writing on the wall. Actually I saw the writing on the wall about six months in, but it took me another few months after that, stretching out to nearly a year total, for me to 'pull the plug'.

***
So, my question is: How much am I like this guy? I try REALLY HARD to give back to people who've helped me. The hard part is: What if they don't NEED any of the things I have to offer?

Like with my brother. I needed (and continue to need) all kinds of help, from borrowing the truck to help me move things, to shoveling dirt for the garden, to helping me with my car, etc. Projects that are just too big (physically) for me, or that I don't have the tools or knowledge or experience to deal with alone. Or, sometimes? I just need the moral support of having someone to work with! For god's sake, is this *really* so difficult to understand?

"Many hands make light work." There have to be a million sayings out there about such things.

And granted, from a physical standpoint, I can't offer in return what he's given me - his financial and physical resources far exceed mine. But I *can* offer to hang out with the girls, which is something that's good for *all* of us. And it's a not inconsiderable investment of time and energy for me to do it - I have to drive there, and handle, single-handedly, three young children for whom I have none of the physical, financial or emotional infrastructure that two full-time parents have. I'd say I do pretty damn well, when I do it. The fact that I'm limited to an hour or two or three at a time with them is not surprising, given that I have no money to spend to take them to fancy meals or outings - all our 'adventures' have centered on long walks, exploring and making up our own 'Tom Sawyer' type amusements. Which, at least from *my* point of view, have always been fun and rewarding, if sometimes exhausting. And the girls seemed to think so too.

This whole 'medium-of-exchange' approach - isn't there some saying about, "From each according to her abilities/gifts, to each according to her needs"? Or, "Those who can, must?" Maybe that's a 'democratic' ideal that has long since been mowed under by the stampeding feet pursuing individual 'happiness' and/or success.

I'm just thinking out loud, here, as usual, hoping that whatever's churning away in my gut - guilt, shame, fear, anger - will be relieved by attempting to lure it out in the open where I can SEE it, and, hopefully, DEAL with it, somehow.