good excerpt - thoughts on emotional abuse and neglect

From How not to raise a rapist
http://thehathorlegacy.com/how-not-to-raise-a-rapist/#comment-92062

Keep in mind that “psychological abuse” entails neglect and head games, a type of abuse that many people still aren’t schooled in recognizing. So when I say “don’t abuse your kids” I’m also saying

“don’t strategically withhold affection to make your child unnaturally dependent on your approval, which you dangle like a carrot,

so that he or she gets the idea all people of your gender are evil and should be punished.”

The bold is mine, and is a concept I think should be BEATEN (yeah, crossed-eyes emoticon here, meaning, I'm kidding) into the head of every parent or person-in-charge of the well-being of another, dependent-upon-them being:

DON'T STRATEGICALLY WITHHOLD AFFECTION.

'Strategically withholding affection' is abuse, a power play. At best it is passive-aggressive, and destructive to the relationship; at worst it is INSANELY damaging to the mental health and well-being of the person on the receiving end. Because it is a MIND fuck, gaslighting, fucking with the person's sense of right and wrong, of basic reality.

***
This all comes down to TRUST, I'm thinking - how to build it, how to destroy it. How to undermine it, both subtly and overtly.

I think I'm still 'chewing' through my encounter with Motorcycle boy at some level, though far less 'consciously' than I was for all those days I wrote about it.

Now it seems like it's more at a 'macro' level, as in, "What lessons can I learn from this?"

And I'm not trying to get all self-schooly on my ass and bust myself for 'falling in love'. I just think that it's an ongoing lesson in how to avoid the 'hole in the sidewalk'. Which I sure's HECK am tired of falling into.

I think, at this point, I need a different metaphor.

What I feel like happened with Motorcycle boy was that I remained in charge (of my*self*, that is) throughout the situation. I'm proud that I both opened up to someone new, while still looking out for my limits and boundaries, and that I didn't let him *cross* my (physical) boundaries. As far as the emotional ones? I feel like I - let him in as close as I want someone to be, but the fact that I now can't see him again when *I* want to makes it - unfair. Or something. Unequal? I keep wondering whether he'd actually LIKE to see me again, but is afraid? Ashamed? Uncertain because he'd had too much to drink? Or embarrassed because he gave me a fake phone number and did some other, weasly stuff that he now feels slimy about? Who knows. That's the thing: I don't like this UNCERTAINTY. I just want to KNOW.*

***
And then, *after* the fact, I found myself wishing I could see him again.

Pretty normal stuff, right? And how can you *ever* anticipate all the ways in which a thing won't turn out to be what you expected, for bad OR for good?

I went into that whole thing with no pre-meditation whatsoever -

You know, I think that's it. That's the boundary that got crossed, for me.

It was the URGENCY of needing to get together NOW that bothered/continues to bug me.

Not because I thought he had some ulterior motive, such as sex; but more the CONTROL aspect of it.

Now I have to stop and think a bit, because I feel like I HAVE it, the tail of the tiger, but I'm not sure what to DO with it.

Because it's so VANISHINGLY RARE for me to find someone who I'm interested in AT ALL, to encounter a complete random stranger -

Wait. It's Fundamental Attribution Error again.

Shit happens. Things happen. CHANCE is a large operator in the game of Life.

He showed up; I showed up. We had ONE dance.

After that one dance? It turns out that I'd like another.

But we met on a - dance floor? (argh, holy mutating metaphors, Batgirl!) that - well, it's kind of like the Twilight Zone: Once it's over, you're not really sure it ever happened.

Can I prevent that kind of thing from happening again?
SHOULD I?
Do I even WANT to?

Some of the most interesting, fun, exciting adventures I've ever had in my life have been essentially the equivalent of 'just get ON that sucker and HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE', and enjoying the HELL out of the ride :-)

Some of the BIGGEST smiles EVER on my face have been when I just JUMPED, not without looking, but while seeing that, hey, I might not ever have this chance again! So, GO! Just DO it!

I have to say that I've never regretted any of those choices. I've only regretted things that I *haven't* done. My sense is that, as experiential beings, we pretty much have to find out for ourselves. Secondhand is never the same, or even close, really, to really experiencing something directly.

I'm not trying to say that anything I did was 'right' or 'wrong', just, again, trying to suss out any lurking, unfinished emotional business. It often seems that a 'new' adventure sort of gloms on to old, unfinished stuff, and kind of pulls the old thing, forcibly, out of the closet, or the woodwork, or whatever. The old stuff and the new stuff kind of *stick* to each other, because they're similar in some way.

So maybe it's that *similarity* that I'm trying to figure out? To know, exactly, what 'label' my mind filed this particular experience under, and WHY it's having such an impact on me for such a seemingly small event.

I think it's the control thing. That he knows where I live, but I've been unable to reach him or get any response from him. I know I mentioned this earlier, but I think it's the abandonment thing.

I think the hardest thing about the abandonment thing is that people expect you to magically 'just get over it, already.'

Which just compounds the issue and makes you feel even MORE neglected, lonely, frightened. Becuase the whole ABANDONMENT issue is about NOBODY CARING about you, in the first place.

So telling you to 'get over it' is yet ANOTHER abandonment, saying, again, "I don't CARE how this makes YOU feel; I want you to STOP BOTHERING ME WITH YOUR STUPID PROBLEMS/FEELINGS/NEEDS/THINGS THAT MAKE *ME* UNCOMFORTABLE."

Because, in EVERY CASE, the most important person in the exchange (?) and/or 'interaction' was THEM, and not ME.

So I'm trying to learn to shift the equation so that

I

AM ALWAYS

AS IMPORTANT
AS THE OTHER PERSON.

There. I think I finally put my finger on it, put it into words. Step back and look at it and see if that's it.

***
Really, what it's all about is: YUM, that was GOOD, I WANT MORE.

And feeling frustrated that, given how easily he popped IN to my life, why is it so INSANELY difficult to GET MORE?

Answer: Motorcycle boy is not candy. And I can't just go to the Motorcycle boy store and get more of him - "Please, sir, I'd like three bags full of cinnamon-flavored motorcycle boy."

I think, at some level, I never learned how to navigate these interactions as a child. Plus never being properly 'socialized' as a 'girl'; plus the contradictory rules and double-standards for women vs. men. What a TANGLE.

But I still feel GOOD about it :-). I just want MORE! Yes, be careful what you wish for. But if you're *too* careful, you'll go hungry. Moderation in all things, including moderation.

***
*This is something I've READ comes up a lot in 'dysfunctional' relationships, especially ones involving alcoholics or children of alcoholics (though I'm pretty solidly against the term 'alcoholic' at this point, I'm using the term because I haven't thought of something that makes more sense to me.)

Alcoholics lack EMPATHY, or, the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes. And so there's always the OTHER person who's doing all that 'connective' or relational 'work', while the alcoholic basically remains a child, the one who's being 'taken care of'.

But I felt like Motorcycle boy was at least *attempting* to become aware of his own patterns about this. He still had a long way to go; and he didn't seem to EXPECT me to 'take care of' him. He seemed to soak up what I offered, and to acknowledge and appreciate it, OPENLY.

What it felt like, in short, was that he was more like ME.