finding the middle

The idea that I MUST choose people/things that SCARE me?

Mapped courtesy of my father, who never encouraged, praised or comforted me, but only gave me that little shove out onto the eight-lane freeway of life, no concern that my poor little carcass might end up mangled or at the very least, flattened.

I was thinking about putting together a band, and breaking into a cold sweat thinking of some of the people I might play with who scare me.

I play with them, and often prefer them, because they're challenging, and interesting. But they also sometimes push me in ways I don't like to be pushed.

Often they're men, though sometimes they're women with really strong personalities. Which I like. But again, there's this feeling of jockeying for position, which, in the men, I ascribe to testosterone and/or social conditioning; and in the women, I sometimes associate it with needing to be in charge.

I like to think that my *own* preferred method is a kind of fiercely democratic approach, where I INSIST on each person having their own input, because I actually PREFER it that way.

Maybe it comes from growing up with a passive aggressive mother who doesn't know how to speak up? And in later years experiencing a similar thing, both with a boyfriend/longterm partner and several women in various situations. So I'm wary of people who don't overtly say what they want.

What I LIKE is somewhere about in the middle, halfway BETWEEN 'getting run over by a Mack truck' and 'pansy wansy, wimpy, then later passive-aggressive angry'.

Actually, that's a pretty depressing way to put it.

I like people who speak up for themselves, but not aggressively; who are confident and go for what they want, but without running over or disregarding the needs/wants/feelings of other people (specifically, *me*) in the process.


***
Once bitten, twice (thrice? multiplice?) shy...