I'm drawn to something

in that area where I was walking yesterday.

It's partly the 'feel' of the place - the mix of urban, yuppie, too-much-money-so-everything's-really-high-end-and-slick kind of thing, with the blue collar, just-barely-making-it feel of the docks. When I was down on the very chi-chi (sp?) dock of the luxury yacht people, I felt like I'd found something - not the place itself, but some combination of the water, the boats, and people who make things.

I'm trying to free associate here, see if I can suss out what was grabbing me at such a visceral level.

I found myself saying, "I've found him," meaning, the man I've been looking for all my life. But I don't know if I mean motorcycle boy specifically? Or something else. Because I ran into to *so many* men yesterday who were attractive and who seemed to be responding to me as if they found *me* attractive and/or interesting, that I began to lose interest in motorcycle boy.

But I had a feeling - something about strength, and diversity, and common ground.

That's what struck me about him: How quickly and instantly we were at ease with each other, even in spite of his repeated comments about sex. I still never *really* felt pushed beyond my boundaries (or I would have asked him to leave), I just wished he'd stop asking, already, because it was boring and seemed irrelevant to what was actually going on between us.

But he made all kinds of comments that I found fascinating, and I thought we could have talked for days.

Why are men so stupid? They get caught up in the sex thing and seem to ignore entirely the thousands of other ways in which we might be incredibly compatible and really good for each other. It's like their 'brains' (?) get caught in this little, tiny, insanely narrow groove and they can't see ANY of the other things that are so essential to making an actual RELATIONSHIP as opposed to just an endless series of one-night stands.

I still feel like he was carrying massive emotional baggage that he was looking to dump somewhere (which is often how guys 'use' sex - the woman becomes their emotional 'dumping ground', for all that toxic, built-up, unwanted emotional stuff that male culture deems unmanly, unseemly and WEAK. I mean, how the HELL are guys ever supposed to have real relationships if they don't have any clue what their emotions are all about?)

Speaking of which, there was a weird part of the conversation with the Trader Joe's guy - we actually had a pretty good talk about some things, but then he was so insanely DENSE about a bunch of other stuff (shades of my mother!) that I found myself getting angry with him and starting to become verbally abusive, which I realized was out of line and inappropriate, so I just changed the subject to calmer waters and tried to gracefully end the evening on a less combative note. With some success - we were at least superficially friendly to each other in our parting, though it was pretty clear (at least to me, and I think to him, too) that we'd never be seeing each other again, at least, not intentionally. Too bad. He seemed like such a nice guy. And he has absolutely GORGEOUS green eyes, and was wearing a shirt that made them almost luminescent. His eyes have a captivating quality about them. Hm, *also* like my mother. Asiding here (in terminal tangent mode :-) I think people like that are NEEDY, and they try to FEED OFF YOU with their eyes.

I became aware of that trait/habit/behavior in my*self* long ago, and have since tried consciously to NOT be needy in that particular way, which basically means trying to be aware of my eye contact, and to break contact any time I sense someone becoming uncomfortable with the intensity of my gaze. And it also means that I'm more aggressive/assertive in standing up for mySELF when I find someone's being insensitive to MY body language, not respecting my need to not be stared at or looked at with an intrusive gaze. Interesting to try to put this into words.

But I also recognize my needs as real and valid, and use people's reactions a)as signposts as to how deep of waters we can venture into together (argh-y sentence structure, crossed-eyes emoticon here); and b)indicators as to whether I'm coming on 'too strong' for that particular person at that particular time, and so maybe need to back off a little if I want to continue to interact with them. A balancing act, as so often in life.

***
Oh yeah, never finished the thought about the 'weird conversational moment' with Trader Joes guy.

Our conversation was all over the map, so I don't remember how we got to this particular juncture. I was trying to illustrate the concept of making 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements, as a way to not piss people off and to 'take ownership' for situations (usually relational issues) we often find ourselves in.

He'd been talking about some situation he had with a friend, and was repeatedly calling the friend an 'asshole', and saying that everyone else he knew thought the guy was an asshole, too. But then there was this *other* friend of his, who everyone *else* thought was a jerk, but *he* (Trader Joes guy) thought the guy was ok, had some good qualities in spite of the assholeness.

So I was trying to use this to illustrate that it's all relative, that "nothing is either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so" (Hamlet).

We got all embroiled in the details, but he was being cool and trying really hard to understand what I was saying.

So he said, well, so how do I turn that around? I said, "Well, think about how it feels. What did that guy's behavior make you feel?"

He gave some descriptor, like, "He was a jerk."

And I said, no, that's not an emotion, that's a description.

Then he tried, "I didn't like how he treated me."

I said, "Better, but still not an emotion - that's a thought about an emotion."

It went on like this for a while, til finally he came up with an emotion word rather than something that described the other guy. Maybe he said, "frustrated," or "irritated," or "offended", something like that.

And then he said, "But that's not exactly it. What's *this* emotion?" And he made this kind of twisted, scrunched-up, off-to-the-side face that was a pretty good representation of the classic "What the fuck?" look.

So I fumbled for a word for it, being amazed that this (theoretically) grown man was so - illiterate? ('impoverished' feels more like what I want, or something like, communicationally challenged??? gah) - in the language of emotions, even relatively simple ones.

(And his vocabulary! I don't know how many words the 'average' adult American's vocabulary includes, but his had gaps big enough to drive a double-wide through. It was embarassing, and, ultimately, infuriating. Communication is impossible with someone like this, or so tedious as to be absolutely madness-inducing, as in hair-pulling, punch-you-in-the-face-because-you're-driving-me-NUTS crazy-making.

And his general ignorance level? He'd never heard of 'nuclear family'. Now maybe my middle-class, college-educated privilege is showing [and to give him his due, he never went to college, and may not even have graduated from high school? Can't remember what he said about it. But he definitely wasn't stupid, I'd even say he was quite bright - he just {maybe, for the millionth time, like my mother - are they *all* going to be repeats of unfinished business with my mother???? Gawd, I HOPE not}] But I have to tell you, my JAW was SORE from hitting the table so many times. And it riled me enough that I said, more than once before we parted ways, something to the effect of, "What, have you been living under a ROCK??!?" Which did not win me any friends, though he seemed more hurt than angry, and was quite gracious in the end, despite my mistreatment of him. Perhaps WILLFUL STUPIDITY is a defense mechanism? I've often wondered if this is what's going on with my mother.)

So that was the moment. I was astonished to be sitting across a table, yet again, from yet another -- person whose company was so displeasing to me. (Attempting to practice what I preach. :-)

I think this is where *I* still have some 'growing up' to do: To learn how to accept *other people's* flaws gracefully. If the 'solution' to this one is the same as previous 'life lessons', I think I won't be able to accept the flaws in others until I'm able to accept my own. Which is coming along nicely, but still needs some more time in the oven.