keys

I think I fell in love with this guy on the spot.

He went for a walk with me.
He was not in a hurry.
He seemed instantly comfortable to talk about anything and everything.

He used the word 'diversity' in a sentence, without seeming phony or pretentious, but just as casually as you'd say, "I like eggs." He said, "I love the diversity of the area." (as opposed to my brother, who, some time ago, said, to my eternal dismay, "Diversity is overrated." And I'm pretty sure he wasn't kidding, which broke my heart. How can we have come from the same nest???)

He snuggled. And snuggled. And wrapped his arms around me, and held me, and was warm, and had the strongest, warmest, most wonderful hands.

And his voice was rumbly and low and deep, and I could lay my head on his warm chest and just listen to the rumble, and even enjoy the WORDS he was saying, not just the sound of the sea, as it were.

I feel like I want to give back what he gave to me: Comfort, nurturance, a feeling of being loved and cared for. Because I CAN DO THESE THINGS. And with him? I wanted to.

And I *did*, as best I could in that late-night, unexpected moment with a complete stranger, in a room I'd only just cleaned out enough to have *room* for two. It's probably just as well I don't have the bed set up, yet - we would have ended up having sex, and I would have been miserable. As it is, I'm just hungry :-)

That's interesting (a la Jack Sparrow). I'll have to make note of when I feel ready to put that bed together; I *think* it'll be a sign that I'm ready to invite a man into my life. And I think it will be in response to a *particular* man entering my life.

In fact, that's absolutely fascinating: I'm now thinking that the whole reason I couldn't sleep in the bedroom for so long was that the ghost of K had such a huge impact on me that I literally couldn't be in the same room where we'd been together until all internal, visceral feeling about him had ceased to pull on me.

And I'm so hungry for physical affection that I don't trust myself to *not* sleep with the first guy who comes along. Hence the pallet on the floor that's only big enough for *me*. Bloody hell. I've unlocked my own bloody secret! Yay!

So what this means is: I need to find physical affection in WHATEVER forms I can get it, which means dancing, basically. I just need to go dance, dance, dance. My little legs off. This will hopefully take the pressure off.