dreading interaction with the Ω.

*Just* realizing that all this - foofarah? - is my central nervous (emphasis on 'nervous' as in, 'anxious as shit) system's fearful anticipation of dealing with *it* tomorrow. *It* = Ω. (I may change the character - for some reason the Ω is looking a little too ominous. Want to *smallify* 'it', not 't'other way 'round.)

Gah.

Just the *realization* helps me chill a little.

Funny how, all these years later? I don't experience the unit as a person so much as this implacable, relentless, unfeeling force to be enacted on my defenseless (though not defenceless any *more*, thank goddess) psyche.

'It' is:

Harsh
judgemental
critical
unrelenting
unbending
unforgiving
ungenerous

I can feel it pressing on my brain, as if trying to squeeze me into this tiny little corner.

'It' is almost as mindless as a - what - I keep thinking of some blind sea creature that just reacts, without any *thinking* involved at all.

Almost hostile.

Where does the hostility come from? In the old days, the 'cutting edge' used to alternate with this almost sickly-sweet, oozing, treacly kind of ass-kissingness that made (and makes me *now*) slightyly nauseous.

Unpronounceable feeling with no words here - just my viscera attempting to REJECT this - implacable - creature that totally IGNORES me - *except* when it's attempting to - eviscerate? annihiliate? exterminate? snuff out? I don't know.

It's like it wants me to disappear, cease to exist.

Like my mere existence causes it pain; *except* when I suddenly demonstrate some kind of virtue - suddenly *it* does a 180, and I become its fucking FOOD SOURCE.

My neck is hurting from the attempts to resist alternately being squashed flat and sucked dry.

Fucking BIZARRE.

***
The more I dissect this? The less it feels like the mindless, numb, gabbling terror of the powerless infant, and more and more like a completely *rational* desire to stay away from someone who scares the fucking crap out of you. There's more than one kind of psycho. I was actually reverting to hair-pulling and eyebrow pulling again - thought I'd finally found the bottom of that bugaboo.

Well, maybe I can try to remember: If I start exhibiting one of those, it means I'm trying to remove something 'bad' from myself - only the 'bad' isn't really bad at all - it's just something I can't deal with. Which usually means there's some feeling trying to get my attention.

So: Baby steps, slow and steady. Friend once said, when I complained of my pace of progress: "Glacial," I said.

"Ah," he said. "Slow, but extremely powerful."

Nice :-)

Also, snail shows up in some tarot decks as a sign of same: Slow, steady, dependable progress. Creating a firm foundation, or some such.