The mother is supposed to be the protector in every instance, but sometimes mothers would literally rather die in denial than acknowledge the possibility that something bad happened to a child for whom they were responsible.From http://laingsociety.org/cetera/pguillaume.htm:
According to Bateson, "The ability to communicate about communication, to comment upon the meaningful actions of oneself and others, is essential for successful social intercourse."From http://www.oneangrydaughter.com/2009/03/parental-abandonment.html:
In normal relationships we continually comment about the actions and communications of others, saying such things as, "I feel uncomfortable when you look at me that way," "Are you kidding me?" or "What do you mean by that?" In order for us to accurately discriminate the meaning of our own or another's communication we must be able to comment on the expression
[...]
In 1967 a team of researchers published the results of their further investigation of the double bind. They proposed that the operational component of the double bind is its pattern of disqualification -- the means by which one person's experience is invalidated as a result of the imposed bind. They cited five methods for disqualifying the previous communication. Evasion or a change of subject is the first method of disqualification. If the previous statement (a) does not clearly end a topic of discussion, and the next statement (b) does not acknowledge the switch in topic, then the second statement disqualifies the first statement:
a. Son: Can we go to the park and play soccer?
b. Father: What a beautiful day for working in the garden.
The second method of disqualification is sleight-of-hand. Sleight-of-hand occurs when the second response (b) answers the first (a) but changes the content of the previous statement:
a. Daughter: We have always gotten along well.
b. Mother: Yes, I've always loved you. . .
Narcissistic mothers love to use the phrases "Too hard to communicate with" [...]when we ask them for consideration for our feelings. Instead of looking at what they did to cause this situation, it is much easier for them to simply blame you and walk away. My mother told me it was "time to focus on herself"... Funny, that's what she's been doing ever since I knew her. Basically she told me she isn't willing to meet me halfway.More from http://www.lovingyourchild.com/2010/07/adult-daughters-mothers-tenuous-bond/:
Also important is how the way they are abandoning us. It is important for them to let us know that this is our problem, not theirs. They want us to know they haven't done anything wrong and we are unjustly accusing them. You were not falling in line with the way she wants you to respond to her. You know the drill. You must agree with everything she says and comply with everything she wants.
If you become strong enough and dare to disagree, then you are "too difficult to deal with." So her only option is to make you feel bad about yourself and loads you up with the responsibility for the split. A typical Narcissistic Mother Guilt Trip. They want us to feel that the guilt is with us and the responsibility is ours to fix the relationship. And by fix, they want us to come crawling back with an apology and promise to never bring up their faults again. They will continue to abuse us.
It isn't so much about our mothers "dumping us" as it is about having already been emotionally abandoned. Our mothers do not show empathy and have never been able to emotionally support us as a normal healthy parent would be supportive. Its about growing up in a dysfunctional family dynamic where other family members gang up on one another. Its where the ones who supposedly love us only watch as another is being scapegoat-ed by one of our parents or siblings.
[...]her attempts to set even tiny boundaries with her mother feel like pushing against an impenetrable wall of resistance. Breaking an unspoken agreement with a narcissistic parent can feel simply hopeless. For Paula it has often been easier to fill the emptiness with various addictions.Like a fucking GROWNup.
Many undifferentiated adult women have mothers or fathers who are narcissistically toxic. An adult daughter of a narcissistic mother will report feeling empty inside with no sense of self.
She often feels treated as if she was her mother’s “possession”, as if her “job” is to glorify her mother. Narcissistic parents reward children for being like them, but may condemn, judge or criticize a child for his or her true uniqueness.
[...]
Even a securely bonded daughter will feel tremendous abandonment when her mother denies the reality of childhood physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
[Feb 22 edit: Re-reading, noticed that last sentence there, looks like Blogger must have (once again) randomly gobbled up some bit of what I wrote. Ach.
Well, it doesn't make sense. But I'm leaving it, maybe it'll tickle the memory banks at some point and I'll come back and add whatever got chopped off.]
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