I think this reveals another double bind I've been struggling with,

namely the idea that

Everyone is allowed to have illusions

except me.

This one *may* have taken deep root in childhood, when the male parental unit propped up ø's illusions so that he could have peace and quiet; *my* illusions, on the other hand, small, minor and childish (as in, created by a child, and therefore, small, harmless and inconsequential?)

he took after with the emotional equivalent of a fricking axe, as if I were - a jack-in-the-beanstalk vine or something, about to take over his universe.

FUCK.

(boy, he must have been *severely* - damaged? - to feel threatened by a three-year-old!)