the - right? - to be happy.

I was just laughing at something in a movie, and felt a sense of contentment and happiness welling up -

and almost *instantly* I felt as if I should 'kill' it - snuff it out, tone it down, dampen it.

My enthusiasm for life, when *allowed* to kindle in its natural way, can be utterly infectious - I've been told this repeatedly, especially by dance partners, and by some of my music friends.

But somehow, *outside* those worlds? It feels almost as if that kind of happiness is - dangerous? Like, it draws attention to me from people who'd like to - kill is the word that keeps coming to mind.

Why would someone want to *kill* happiness????

I keep thinking it's my parents. I can't seem to quite capture the feeling, but it was if *my* happiness made *them* feel bad - I suppose it's a universal problem - the simple, unfettered delight of a child or infant who is not yet burdened by the cares of the world can seem like a specially designed torment for the parent who is overwhelmed by her (or his) responsibilities.

***
Edited to add: Sometimes I wonder if it's because people are - envious? They aren't able to *feel* that thing that they think you're feeling, and so they - want to take it away from you? destroy it?

I don't know.

But I protect it now, that feeling.

I would *like* to get to where it's like it was in the old days - free and open, unconcerned, without fear of the consequences.

Gah, how fucked up is *that* - to be afraid that someone will see you happy and want to take you down????

Bizarre.